Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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