Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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