It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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