I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
