i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
