Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
