Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
