It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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