Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
