So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
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