Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
