Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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