I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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