My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
