I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
