He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
