Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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