i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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