Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
