He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
