can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
