I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
It's blow job season.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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