FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
