Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
