My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
