If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
