She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
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i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
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He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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