hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
