is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Randomize
