just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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