my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
