The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
