I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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