we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
