You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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