to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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