New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
