ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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