i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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