My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
