last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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