My girlfriend figured out who you are.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
