She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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