matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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