I am midnight drunk by noon
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
