I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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