I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
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Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
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I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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