We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
