yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
my shit smells like andre
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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