small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
