I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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