I feel like I'm in dance class right now
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
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