During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
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