Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Randomize
