I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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