Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
