Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
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I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
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I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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