in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
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When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
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A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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